BeeKay's Blog

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Vanity, Thy Name Is BeeKay, Part Two

Years ago, the spousal-unit, his brother and I went to Washington DC to see the sights and go to a Caps/Sabres game at the recently opened MCI Center.  My brother-in-law is a Caps fan, I will always be a Pat LaFontaine fan (he is the reason I started watching hockey – more on that later).  I had a sweet red-and-black marled yarn mock-turtleneck sweater, which I teamed up with a pair of nicely-fitting jeans and fabulous brand-new boots.  I wanted to look cute in case I had the chance to meet Pat.

The phrase-that-pays there is “brand new boots.”

We did a lot of walking that day – visited the Korean War and Vietnam War memorials and the Reflecting Pool, hit a few bars, you get my drift.

I was wearing brand new boots.

By the end of the night, I was LIMPING.  If I weren’t such a proud broad I’d have probably asked the spousal-unit and his brother to carry me to the car.  Upon getting home and removing said fabulous brand new boots found that both my feet were COVERED in blisters.  Each toe, my heels, even the sole of my right foot (who knew blisters could form there?) sported at least one frigging blister.

The next morning, the only pair of footwear I could tolerate wearing was my beat-up pair of Reeboks, untied.  At the time I worked in venture capital so had to dress up every day; and there I was, clad in a smart business suit and SNEAKERS.

Went into my boss’s office to report in for the day and he gave me a quizzical look.  “What the hell is it with the sneakers?” Bawf** wanted to know, as he surveyed me from head to toe (he was always interested in what women wore, probably still is).

“Bawf,” I said in reply, “I am a very vain and stupid woman.”  I explained the sneakers (and the limping) to which he shook his head and said, “You dumb @$$” (yes, we had that sort of close and personal working relationship, which I miss to this very day, but if you tell him I’ll deny it).

From them on out, I always made sure my footwear was fully broken-in before deciding to tromp around a major city in them.

**”Bawf” is a term on the Howard Stern Show and the way Gary Dell’Abate referred to Howard back in the day.  Bawf and I were both Stern fans (I still am) and I used to call him that as a joke (he HATED it).  But further testament to our working relationship … shortly after we started working together, I went into his office to find him cursing at his new computer.  He glanced at me and said, “I hate f—–g computers.”
I said, “Then don’t f— them,” left his mail and left his office.
At our annual holiday party one year, he recounted this story and said, “In that moment, I just knew that she and I would work perfectly together.”
And we did.
I miss you, Bawf.**
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Proust Questionnaire from Vanity Fair

I was drawing a blank pretty much all week, so co-opted the questionnaire that appears at the end of Vanity Fair every month.

What is your idea of perfect happiness? Spending time down the shore with friends; sun, surf, sea air … what more could you ask for?

What is your greatest fear? Being completely and utterly alone, with absolutely no one to reach out to.

Which historical figure do you most identify with? Queen Victoria.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? I can be lazy and tend to overcomplicate things by overthinking.

What is the trait you most deplore in others? Closed-mindedness.

What is your greatest extravagance? Giving gifts – I think I enjoy finding the perfect gift for someone more than I enjoy giving it!

What is your favorite journey? Going down the shore.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Chastity!

On what occasion do you lie? To keep myself out of trouble, which more often than not leads to more trouble; or not to hurt others’ feelings.

What do you dislike most about your appearance? The bump on the bridge of my nose.

Which living person do you most deplore? Any tyrant.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse? “Actually.”

What is your greatest regret? Causing pain to someone I love.

What or who is the greatest love of your life? Not saying!

When and where were you happiest? Can’t think of specifics, but I am always happiest laughing and being with dear friends.

Which talent would you most like to have? To be able to play the piano and the guitar.

What is your current state of mind? Murderous! I would gladly murder for a cup of coffee; Cuisinart coffee-maker, don’t fail me now!

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Stupid chin hairs, they are causing me agita. I would also like a bit more patience.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be? That we would be more in contact with each other/be able to spend more time together.

What do you consider your greatest achievement? Graduating college, and buying my amazing house, which I adore.

If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? A cat, living in a feline paradise such as the one my two spoiled cats currently inhabit.

What is your most treasured possession? My wedding band set; my Elsa Peretti Crucifixion necklace; my Serenity Prayer necklace.

What do you regard as the lowest depths of misery? To witness brutality and be unable to do anything about it.

Where would you like to live? Down the Maryland shore.

What is your favorite occupation? Writing. I need to do more of it, hence this blog.

What is your most marked characteristic? Compassion and tolerance, I’d like to think.

What is the quality you most like in a man? A sense of humor.

What is the quality you most like in a woman? A sense of humor.

What do you most value in your friends? Their never-ending love and support … and their joyous laughter.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction? Scarlett O’Hara Hamilton Kennedy Butler.

Who are your heroes in real life? Those (especially women) who speak out against brutality.

What is it that you most dislike? Not seeing friends as much as I’d like.

How would you like to die? On my own terms, and preferably in my sleep.

What is your motto? “It is what it is.”

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Vanity, Thy Name Is BeeKay

“Where in the hell did that hemorrhoid cream go?”  Words I NEVER thought I’d ever utter in my entire lifetime … but I read somewhere it does wonders for puffy eyes, so thought I’d give it a shot.

Now I can’t find it.

And my undereyes are puffy as all get out.  The medical term is “periorbital edema” and is a side effect of chemotherapy, among other things (getting older probably being one of those other things).  NO, I am not currently undergoing treatment for cancer so please just calm down.  I just remembered that term from my days in oncology medical communications.

I am just a vain, vain broad.  You should see my bathroom.  I’m a sucker for every lotion, potion and concoction that is said to combat under-eye circles/laugh lines/red skin/dry skin.  I have mascaras that are supposed to lengthen, thicken, chub-up, or darken my eyelashes, and lipglosses to make my teeth look whiter.  Whitening pre-brush rinse?  Check.  Whitening toothpaste?  Check.  Whitening BOOSTER?  Check.  There’s also a “pulse machine” (shut up) that you are supposed to use under your eyes to “massage” dark circles and under-eye puffiness away.  I have yet to see if it works.

My bathroom is chock full of various cellulite treatments (hardly used), blackhead removal strips (never used), tubes and tubs and bottles and boxes of facial products (many of which have expired).  I have tons and tons and TONS of makeup that I received from Clinique giveaways (spend $35 and get a cosmetic bag full of goodies – oh, yeah, I have tons of empty cosmetic bags too), as well as makeup that I tried owing to excellent reviews in beauty and fashion magazines (curse you, Allure magazine, for this and having Kim Kardashian on your cover at least TWICE now).

In my shower, and in a rack by my shower, you will find shampoos, conditioners, mousses, gels and hairsprays promising to thicken baby-fine hair (which I have) or make color-treated hair glossy …  Suave just came out with a line of product containing Moroccan argan oil and trust me when I tell you IT FREAKING WORKS: – I’ve had it for a week and already notice a difference – let’s just say that the glare of sunshine off my hair would be enough to blind you, and my split ends seem to have bid me adieu.

I have an online friend who uses old cosmetics in her artwork … she’s about to receive one hell of a care package in the days to come!  Jerri, keep an eye out on your mail (that is, if the USPS doesn’t “misdirect” it.  But that’s another story for another time …).

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